Get out your big ten inch…

Yes, ladies, you do not want to see our…

Tallywhacker. Trouser snake. Schlong. Wand (regardless of the magic it supposedly wields). Dong. John Thomas. Wiener, Anthony and otherwise. Pecker.

In the Steve Martin movie, “The Jerk”, the lead character is rather proud of what his mother called his “special purpose.”

His lady love says she’s looking for a man with a special purpose.

“I’ve got one!”

But it’s not special. It’s a piece of anatomy. Neither ugly nor beautiful. It’s just…there. Serves a purpose, allows us to empty our bladders and write our names in the snow. Makes babies. Feels good while doing so and even when not procreating.

But…to whip the old lad out in an effort to wow a woman and, if that doesn’t do the trick, to ejaculate into a potted plant? Are you not entertained?

HARVEY, PUT THAT AWAY!

Good heavens, Harvey. You can pay for any perverted fantasy and make it a reality and if Trump can do it, why can’t you?

And why would Brett Favre or any man think his object of desire would be happy to receive a photo of his penis? C’mon, Brett. You’d be better off sending a pic of your right bicep muscle. This won a Super Bowl!

I have a special purpose. It has been revealed only to females who were willing participants in a shared experience. It has no powers beyond pleasure and won’t result in a movie role or becoming assistant manager at a Burger King in Alabama.

HAVE A CIGAR

No, it is truly a member. Not deserving of special treatment or acclaim. Picasso did not paint one (well, if he did he did not sell it). It’s flesh, veins and…yuck. Bill Clinton’s was only noteworthy because it belonged to the leader of the free world. Did Monica describe Little Willie in her book?

Can we blame Sigmund Freud? To this today I think of him as the character from Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure…Sigmund Frood…who waves a hot dog at young females in a mall food court. Penis envy, he said. And how fitting is this photo of Siggy, with a cigar?

Envy? Though I do have to admit, a former female co-worker WAS impressed by the snow writing ability. So, writing envy, perhaps.

I have to pee. Thanks for reading.

About johnnymaraca

host of Johnny Maraca's Rock & Roll Riot, the rockingest show on the radio. 60 years of rockin' rhythm and blues, from the late '40s pioneers like Louis Jordan to Elvis, Chuck Berry, CCR, Stray Cats, Ramones and tons more. Friday and Saturday nights at 7 on 97.7 the Beach, listen live at http://977thebeach.ca, and WRSG in Middlebourne, West Virginia, Tuesdays 6-8 pm.
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